CHAP 2: MOMENTARY THRILL OF AMOROUS DISOBEDIENCE

“There was something rebellious about him. She liked it. He tossed a cocky grin to reassert his impudence. She was reminded of a cheap American flick where the cheeky student hits on her professor. It wasn’t an age game but a mind game, where the possibility of disobeying a certain code of conduct was flirtatious.

She was enjoying the uncivil behavior but she maintained the appearance of aloofness. She played along. She teased him by her nonchalance. It was a mutual sly anonymous acknowledgement of an impending flirtation. She was oblivious to his existence in the conference room. She continued to address his seniors as she negotiated the terms and conditions for the impending partnership between the two media conglomerates.

She was his client. The transgression of official conduct made it more appealing. The thought of violating the law of gravity at a sacrilege corporate shrine that wore the superficial paint of discipline and a charade of morality & righteousness excited her. She suppressed a smile.

“I hope in our next meeting we sign the deal.” She smiled at his senior and excused herself. The meeting was over. But the game in her mind just got triggered.

He was cute and cheeky and definitely an arrogant eye candy. The smug grin on his face irritated her.
He thought her defiance added to her sex appeal. She was smart. Hawk eyes. She was struggling to avoid him. Cute. He knew she noticed him.

The undercurrent was undeniable.

Instant attraction bordering on coquettish transgression is highly combustible.
Fire
Passion
Fuel
Explosive
Exciting but short-lived.

The pithy courtship laced with disobedience and tomfoolery is like the headrush of that first swift long drag of marijuana racing through your veins, a sense of absolute abandon, and complete surrender of reason. It’s layered with moments and then more moments. It’s a live montage of clippings of ecstasy and complete abandon to reality. It’s an alternate existence. It’s liberating. An elusive high.

It’s unreal sometimes to fathom that a relationship can continue to give the high it did when you got into it. But should that stop us for the momentary thrill of a flirtatious encounter just to indulge in the high?
Women are always binded by moral conditioning, keeping the pretense of “the one” who would sweep them off their feet. They wait and wait but the sweep of feet never happens. They constantly censure their existence. They let moments of momentary indulgence just fleet by, coz ‘the hypothetical one’ might just arise from the horizon and it would be treacherous on their behalf to so selfishly indulge in another’s attention.

Why do women constantly judge and reprimand themselves?

What is so blasphemous about guilt-free indulgence and momentary thrill of amorous disobedience?

Chap 1: THE nExT STEP ForWaRD...

“Post-coital cigarette. A curtain of mute rain blurred the window. She didn’t strain too hard. She just eased herself in the comfort of her couch. Releasing the smoke, she wanted to release her fears too. She nervously flicked the ash. The faint light from the street lamp permeated the dark room. She drew the curtain a lil to the left. She looked at the window across the street. An old man and his television set shared quite intimacy. He had no struggles. He had no fear. He was a free man.

She felt the tension release. She let out a sigh. It was peaceful to go with the flow but how far? There were always questions and then more questions. As she sunk in more into her leather couch a little ash spilled over it. She didn’t care. The thought was consuming her. She wanted to escape it. It was easy to be with him. She felt comfortable in her own skin when he was with her. There were no pretences. It was just so fluid to slip into any temperament with him . they could be having a smooth conversation a minute and anonymous silence the next. They shared comfort, passion, intensity. She never had an awkward moment with him until now. Her mind space was cluttered with the inevitable question she wanted to evade and she knew that he wanted to escape the reality of that question. That troubled her. He did not want to define the comfort, passion and intensity they shared. He liked it without boundaries and restraining definitions. She liked him enough to be in limbo, not questioning the status quo.

Restlessness crept in upon her. They were in love yet in denial. Or was she trying to jump the gun or appease her own fears. She was scared of confronting the jaded ‘what next’ status. She hated to admit it, but she needed a definition, a commitment ..like a seal on a deal. It was her security blanket. But she also wanted to escape that conditioning. Why could she not accept the non-committal status? Why was it so disturbing to be in a relationship but refrain from the superficial security of being in one and calling it one? Is the commitment reassuring? Why is it unsettling to be in a no-man’s land when it comes to relationships? You don’t compromise on the comfort, passion and intensity and respect that you share for each other; the only thing you compromise is on the commitment to each other. Why is an official commitment or proposal so integral to a relationship?

She restlessly got up from her couch. Walked through the shadows towards her bed. She watched him peacefully numb to her anxiety that was gnawing on her. She slid in the bed with him. Watching him sleep without a qualm; unsettled her. It was a constant search for reasoning to define our existence and to justify our actions. Non-committal waiting for godot is liberating at an existentialist level; but is it the way forward to the answers we seek in reality? She stared at the roof above in silence and a scattered head.”

Will there ever be a next step forward for them without a seal to symbolically close the deal?

And In a relationship do you know what moment defines the next step forward?